Beginning today Denver Memorial EMS will redirect all calls for anxiety and emotionally distressed individuals to a specially established Cannabulance that will administer marijuana and direct patients to the nearest recreational marijuana dispensary for further treatment in order to reduce emergency room visits.
“When people talk about Mobile Integrated Healthcare, this is exactly what they mean. Paramedics doing the work of social workers because, let’s face it, the social workers just don’t know how to roll a decent blunt,” explained Chief Mary J. Lays of Denver Memorial EMS. The medics have been specially trained to prepare 6 ounces of the marijuana into a delivery device of the patient’s choice. Each ambulance has an assortment of pipes and bongs the patient may choose from or a more traditional method. Should the patient choose to go the traditional blunt method, the medics have received a full 5 minutes of specialized training on rolling such fatty blunts by a local specialist named Ja Bumbleclot.
The chief went on to further explain that the protocol established by the Medical Directors will be strictly adhered to. For patients with minor anxiety/distress, the pattern of “puff, puff, pass” administration will be established between the patient and crew sharing the delivery device. “This will really create the type of rapport with the patient that no other healthcare provider can duplicate. This is Mobile Integrated Healthcare in action!”
For patients suffering from extreme anxiety and violent/suicidal/homicidal tendencies, the patient will consume the entire dose in the delivery device. Additionally, the Cannabulance has been stocked with a surplus of Frito-Lays Cheetos to administer to these most severe cases who may suddenly become ravenous.
Acknowledging the potential for abuse by staff members, Chief Mary J. Lays pointed out that the snack stock will also be used as a detection device for inappropriate crew usage. Upon the end of their tour, both crew members of the Cannabulance will have their fingers inspected for any sign of orange food dye, a condition commonly referred to as Montera Sign by the medical professionals, and an obvious indicator that the crew has been partaking a bit too much in their medicinal and snacking stock. There have been no potential repercussions decided upon, since Chief Lays is sure that none of her staff would ever need to abuse the medicinal stock. “This whole state is full of tight-wads and mentally unstable people, so they’ll get plenty of the stuff on the grounds of building up those relationships,” explained Chief Lays, “And this is just the first project. We’re going to take this whole Mobile Integrated Healthcare stuff to a new level. If Medicare/Medicaid are going to pay us to be people’s friends, we’ll gladly do it!”
When asked if there was some connection between the Frito-Lays company ( makers of Cheetos and other fine munching snacks) and Chief Lays herself, she shouted, “No comment!” and stormed off to behind the dumpsters where she presumably continued conducting tests for tired, groggy, and lethargic patients using Toronto‘s pioneering Eight-Ball Therapy.
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